Rain

Dear Benjamin,

It has been raining and storming here for the last few days. It fits my mood, but your brother Alex says it's because the angels are teaching you how to bowl. It's strange how much I miss you, I never knew how much I could miss someone I never saw until it was too late. I miss playing with the doppler trying to find your heartbeat and you kicking it...I think just to tease me. I tried everything I could to keep you. All I could think about was how to buy your more time to grow. Even when the doctors gave up hope, I didn't. I didn't believe that God would really take you from us after allowing us 19 weeks with you. 19 weeks to dream and plan. August 20th was to be your delivery date. Your brothers start school about a week after that. I thought what a perfect time to get to know my new baby. Now, my arms will be holding schoolbooks instead. This experience has reawoken my desire to go to school. I want to be the kind of wonderful nurse that took care of me in the hospital when it felt like my world was ending. I want you to be smiling down on me on my Graduation Day. Then I will know that I did not lose you in vain. I feel very empty without you doing kickboxing at 3 am. My belly is not round and full like it was 9 days ago, and that hurts so bad. My body waits for your kicks, but they don't come. If I could tell you only one thing, it would be this: You were so loved and wanted, by all of us! We are all grieving the loss of a son, and a little brother, so long awaited. I love you, my angel.

Love,
Mommy

PS It cleared up here for a few hours today and the sky was so blue. I imagined that you were looking down on us from Heaven, I could almost feel you.