October 15, 2009

I will light my candle tonight for my beautiful son Benjamin who was born sleeping on April 18, 2009. I believe Benjamin is now a guardian angel for his big brothers who loved him so much. They still miss him and talk about the little brother who lives in heaven. Last week we had some very strong winds. I feel asleep feeling very disturbed by all of the noise from it, and the first dream I had was that a tree fell on our house and killed Alex, my 5 year old! I woke up from the dream crying and immediately went to check on him..he was safe in his bed. The next morning I was up before dawn (normal in Northern Illinois on school days LOL). I went in the living room and looked outside..all I saw was tree! There were tree branches EVERYWHERE! I ran to the front door and realized that our entire yard was covered in tree. I walked toward my Alex's room, just like in my dream..I was shaking by the time I turned the knob. Instead of the scene of destruction I saw like in my dream, he was sleeping peacefully. I noticed a shadow on his window, and opened the curtains. A 200 year old oak tree greeted me. It had fallen at some time during the night, up against the house and only broke one pane of the double paned glass on Alex's window!! If the tree had fallen at a different angle, my nightmare may have come true. Both of my kids rooms (the two older boys share a room) are on the wall where the tree fell. It could have easily been a much worse outcome. I told the boys that we were very lucky and must have a guardian angel...Tony (10 year old) and Alex both said Of course we have a guardian angel, it's Ben. Now how can I argue with that? :)In a few days it will be the six month mark since we lost our darling baby. Has this grief gotten better? No, not really. But, I am learning to live with the grief and without the baby we dreamed of. We have decided that we WILL try one more time for a baby. I know that every minute will be terrifying, but like my husband has told me, nothing is guaranteed, and that is why every moment we have with our kids is precious.